Sunday, April 21, 2019

Why Doesn't Matter

Poodle dog
Truthfully? I've been all over the place emotionally. I might as well own that right up front. I was on the verge of tears the entire week before our wedding anniversary. The tears slipped through when I wished they had not.

I saw my sweet husband the Saturday before our anniversary. Seeing him makes my heart sing. He still knows me.... and that is huge. I try to prepare myself for the fact that this may not always be the case. But, for now, he knows me. Pure love washes over me when I see him. That Saturday, he was sitting in the parlor. He grins so big when his eyes find me. Then, when I reach him and hug him he is trembling. When I tell him I love him, he says,  "I know, I know".

Our hearts still know each other.

I've found that I sometimes "pre-grieve". I mean, my grief was heavy the week BEFORE. But on the anniversary itself, I felt calm. It's probably because I had seen him just two days before. I see him and know that he is, overall, happy. He waves and smiles at all of the nurses as they walk by. He closes his eyes and savors his first sip of lemonade. He laughs when he hears me laugh. The last time I visited him he looked down at his shoes and said (enthusiastically), "I like my shoes". I love that.

Recently, I've felt sorry for myself. It is a different kind of grief. I'm no longer in a normal partnered relationship. I miss him, but even more (lately), I miss us. I miss being a part of "we". 

I try so hard to resist the "why me / why him / why us ?" rant.  "Why" in the cosmic sense. It doesn't matter why. It is.

We all have something that can derail us.